Everything2: My zen life with coffee

April 16, 2009

It always seemed senseless to me that wine afficionados spit after slurshing air though a mega-sip of wine. The slurshing–the sucking of air through a half-mouthful of wine–is something I used to get slapped for as a kid, and spitting afterward would warrant a television prohibition and room banishment.

What the hell is wrong with people? The theory of spitting is it keeps you from getting drunk, which is an insult to the gods of history and sloppy kissing. The theory of wine is drunkeness in varying degrees of decreasing sophistication just like the theory of beer is drunkenness of the spew on the floor order. If the alcohol high from wine was somehow magically removed leaving all the esthers and ketones and subtle legs and noses intact, people would eschew wine like painful leg boils.

God put substances here for a reason. We know what those reasons are. Pretending we don’t doesn’t make us innocent. (It makes us Robert Downey Jr. )

Any student of the sciences knows all the mathematical curves of action and result hold over finite intervals. They don’t go on forever. Life is not math. And so the curve of the depth of your drunkness per glass consumed saturates at some point. Nobody knows how to measure how drunk you are between the time you swear your love for every human on the planet and the time you puke up that really bad cafeteria lunch you had in third grade. This is where God abandons the perpetrator. This is why hangovers were invented. These are the consequences your mother told you about. There are consequences to everything. Even coffee. []



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